It has been my intention over these weeks to lower my pred dose, and thus prove to my consultant that I can conquer this silly disease without his nasty drugs. Yes, I'll have tapered much more slowly than he told me and had to beg, borrow or steal extra steroids to get there, but the upshot would be me sitting in front of him grinning and exclaiming: "you can stuff your speculative mouse-based medicine up your perfectly working backside..." while the UC subsides through clean living and sheer will power.
Of course, the reality is I remain at the same dose: 10/5mgs alternately. I have succesfully talked myself out of lowering it at every opportunity:
"Nah, I won't lower it this week, it's the start of the summer holiday; don't want to ruin that..."
"Mmmm, I won't lower it this week, we're off on holiday next week: don't want to ruin that..."
"Actually, I'll just leave it a couple more weeks, back to school this week, probably too stressful to go back and lower the preds at the same time..."
Ah, I am a weak minded fool.
Then I got a little nudge in the right direction. Yesterday I encountered an all new steroid side-effect: unstoppable bleeding. And it was the most ridiculous and frustrating affair. I blew my nose and a tiny pinprick of blood appeared on the outside of my right nostril. And grew into a droplet. So I wiped it off. And it grew back. So I wiped it off. And it reappeared. So I held a tissue to it, to staunch the flow. And yet it continued. And consequently I spent about an hour trying to make the tiniest little abrasion halt its flow of blood. Which brought on the biggest bout of roid rage I've had for ages. Ranting and swearing at yourself in the bathroom mirror is far too close to actual insanity. So, time to review the preds again...
Rituals of Loss
1 month ago