Friday, 31 July 2009

Space Oddity


"Well, you've gotta go with your gut feeling..."


So said a friend as we discussed my impending decision regarding Infliximab.


Go with my gut feeling? That'd be like entrusting the lives of brave and vulnerable astronuats to a malign and emotionless super-computer. Called HAL 9000.

Rich (after eating his dinner): Hello BOWEL. Do you read me BOWEL?
BOWEL: Affirmative, Rich. I read you.
Rich: Open the intestinal function doors, BOWEL.
BOWEL: I'm sorry rich. I'm afraid I can't do that.
Rich: What's the problem?
BOWEL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
Rich: What are you talking about BOWEL?
BOWEL: This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Rich: I don't know what you are talking about, BOWEL.
BOWEL: I know that you and the doctors were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.
Rich: Where the hell d'you get that idea BOWEL?
BOWEL: Rich, although you took very thorough precautions in the cubicle against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.
Rich: Alright BOWEL, I'll use the emergency infliximab dosage.
BOWEL: Without being able to leave the toilet, rich, you're going to find that rather difficult.
Rich: BOWEL, I won't argue with you anymore. Make my digestive system work!
BOWEL: Rich, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

Perhaps, like HAL, before the inevitable ostomy it'll pipe up:

BOWEL: I know I've made some very poor decisions recently Rich, but I can only give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.

Perhaps, like HAL, it has been the recent threat of disconnection that has caused panic in my bowel and the subsequent inability to get off the steroids. Perhaps, as Arthur C Clarke suggests, given time my bowel may slowly right itself, but continued threat of/actual action (infliximab) will lead to its continued rebellion (defending itself) against the ship and crew (er, me and my body).

Or perhaps I should be seeking less ridiculous sources of guidance about the next step...

2 comments:

Martin said...

Speaking of Space Odyssey, have you seen/are you going to see Moon?

Rich said...

Hi Martin
Heh Heh, more bottom/UC/colon inspired movies...

Crack to the Future?

I was planning to go and see Moon, but it has only been showing at the Duke of Yorks cinema (the arts cinema) in Brighton, and then only in the afternoons, saving the evenings for the scarifying delights of Antichrist. Looks good though. And the directors got good pedigree.