Well, I chickened out of lowering my prednisolone dose. I was supposed to move to 10/5mg on alternating days around about last monday (5th), but due to a combination of mentalness and (possibly psychosomatic) physical symptoms I didn't. I know, I'm an idiot. However, I did have my reasons. Firstly, whether they came about because I was stressing or not, there were some definate rumblings in the old bowel. No real pain, an increase in mucus (it is the existence of mucus, and the consistent describing of it, that I have always felt least comfortable with during this illness - describing the consistency of my poo? No problem. Describing how often I have to go? No problem. Describing amounts of blood? No problem. Describing the frequency of accidents and actually having to admit to having been practically incontinent at one point? No problem. Describing the amount, frequency and consistency of mucus in my poo? No, I'm sorry, but that just seems wrong, wrong, wrong. In fact, to be honest, I find it rather uncomfortable just admiting to myself its there. Go figure.), no blood to speak of, but some distincly runny-er poo and... you know that feeling... So it became another few days of crouching over the loo (post movement) and scrutinising its contents. This, I'm afraid, does not lead one into the required mindset for a change in dose. On the contrary, it rather makes one cling desperately to those little white pills all the more. Damn them.
As well as all this mental and physical anquish (actually I've been pretty good mentally. I told the wife straight away how I was feeling, made the decision not to change dose pretty quickly and have stayed pretty cool. Its just the old quiet nagging voice in the back of my head...) there is a second reason. We are about to go on holiday. To Italy. By car. Now driving to Italy (over 3 days I hasten to add) probably has its challenges at the best of times. But driving to Italy with the perpetual fear of where the next toilet might be is too much for me to cope with. Especially with 2 kids in the back. So, for the sake of as enjoyable a holiday as possible I opted to stay on the steroids for a little bit longer. I'll have to change the dose when I get back because I've only got enough tablets for about another month anyway and my GP is never all that keen to give me any more without speaking to the hospital (who, incidentally, I STILL have not heard from, despite them telling me in May that they were 'pushing through' an appt to dicuss azathioprine). I just hope that the driving antics of our european neighbours and my 'roid-rage' do not prove to be too volatile a mix.
I intend to try and post whilst away if I find anywhere (internet cafe etc).
Rituals of Loss
3 months ago